| blork blork blork |
[21 Oct 2003|08:54am] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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im bored
i find this thing pointless
it has become apparant in the last week that although feelings with a certain friend of mine have run dry she feels obligated to me
well
not really
she called me to see if i was okay
and to set up a time when we can hang out
only then to ditch me the next day for a guy she hardly knows and leaves me to hang out with her twin sister
cha
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cry me a river...
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| ! |
[29 Sep 2003|09:34am] |
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mood |
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bitchy |
] |
stupid livejournal
it wont show any background image on my journal...i've tried everything!!
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cry me a river...
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| hmmm |
[25 Sep 2003|11:37am] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy long time
no update
well i live on my own now in my own apartment(tres grown up yes?)full time job in cosmetics at the very stylish hudsons bay company department store(yeah right...)also doing physics 30 again at centre high.
no boyfriend(who cares)
i can share the love all around now...yes.living in canada is so great.this summer was the summer of the crazy ass pub crawls with katie.many men met,many men ditched fun and drunkeness had by all.well time grows short so i must retreat
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cry me a river...
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| home sweet home |
[04 Nov 2002|11:17am] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
] |
i never knew i missed this place so much.i arrived home yesterday.leaving was a disaster.graham threw this huge going away party for me.the whole night he was like"you'll be back.you'll be back"over and over.creepy much?then he got angry and sad and blah blah blah.its so much better that i left before he got weird and i got angry.so i live at jesses house now.well apartment.my parents knowe im back.do they give a damn??not really.i cant re-enroll in school this semester so i have to do correspondance this semester and go back next semester.i have to get a job.i still havent unpacked much.this i s a 1 bedroom apartment so i have no where to put anymor eof my stuff.i just have clothes to put away...i get to sleep in a king sized bed.lal la l a.jesse has moneyi dont ...i need some...i nedd a job.j...o...b.is it so wrong of me to be overly happy that im gone???graham was scaring me pretty bad.he was mad that i wouldnt tell him my phone number.i said i didnt know it yet.then he wanted to know who jesse was when he came to pick me up.i said he was a friend and graham got all mad.crazy.oh well i'm rid of him now.im home...
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1tear| cry me a river...
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| home sweet home |
[31 Oct 2002|11:47am] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
i'm moving back to edmonton.i'm not moving back with my parents tho.i figured that i could work it out with him.and that things here will never work.i'm moving in with j.i'll be alright.graham was mad when i said i was moving.maybe its better that im leaving anyways.sigh..
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1tear| cry me a river...
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| meep |
[24 Oct 2002|12:19am] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
] |
i talked to jesse again.for a long time too.i told him about grahama nd how unhappy i am here and i how i miss everyone and all.and do you what he said???he said"come and live with me".what should i do?i'm so torn between it.i hate it here and im starting to resent graham even tho hes really sweet to me.do i stilol care for jesse?yeah.would i be happy with him.probably.*sigh*i'm such a lost little girl
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1tear| cry me a river...
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| so confuzzled |
[21 Oct 2002|12:15am] |
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mood |
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 shocked |
] |
HE called
you know HIM
jesse
how did he get my number??
our convo:
m-hello?
j-hi?
m-who is this?
j-who do you think
*pause*
j-you there?
m-yeah
m-why are you calling me?
j-because
m-good answer
j-no i called to say i'm sorry.all this shit that your going through,its all my fault
m-*sigh* not ALL of it
j-yes it is
m-whatever you say...
j-are you ever coming home?
m-i dont know
j-well if you do you know...i'm always here
m-thanks i guess
j-well you know my number
m-yeah
j-bye
m-bye...
i cant believe he called me.i'm speechless.jesse.called ME.i guess i still care a liitle for him.i mean i did lose my virginity to him and all.and with graham...its just not the same.theres something missing.something that was there with jesse that isnt there with graham.but how can i trust jesse again after what he did to me?i dont really LOVE graham.but i loved jesse.i need to think...for a long time...
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1tear| cry me a river...
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| yes i was drunk... |
[13 Oct 2002|09:00pm] |
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mood |
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rushed |
] |
really drunk.soooooo wasted.well its the thanksgiving weekend and i THOUGHT i would have to stay home alone since my aunt and uncle hate me and didnt want me to come to the dinner they were going to.but then graham asked me to come to his house.that si so nice but i cant help feeling like a charity case.but anyways that isnt all that important.so graham and i were watching traffic on friday at like 4 in the morning and it came to the part where topher grace says he wants to have sex with erika christensen and take a hit as they both come and graham was like"we should do that".so we did.we went to this ghetto place in downtown and picked up jib.then we went back to grahams house and did that,it wasnt so great.i know,im going to kill myself.you dont need to tell me.well gtg
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cry me a river...
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| ra hahahahaha |
[11 Oct 2002|09:44pm] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
] |
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music |
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some gay rap song |
] |
guess where i am???im at grahams house and i'm DRUUUUNNNKKK!!!hahahaha!!!!so yeah and chase is here too with my new friend melanie.stop talking to me im writing man oops i wrote that.im so high too.god damnitt.dont do that.fix it!!what the hell is in this weed.oh it was a coco puff???!!fuck you you could have told me so i coulkd have said no.damn you graham.haha that rhymes.oh well i have done cocaine before.i did not like it.but i will survive.i am too drunk to be mad.so things are grat and how by you?no you cannot have a livejournal graham cuz i gave my code to jesse. i ahte him raaarrr!!okay so its time to be normal.okay so school sucks as always.and yeah well everthing is the same as always too.hmm i wish life would change.do you know who i wish i was?britnety spears.she is rich and she has a hot body that i dont have damn her.okay i cant type so bye
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cry me a river...
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| *~*~*~*~*~ |
[08 Oct 2002|11:23am] |
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mood |
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angry |
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music |
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none |
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not much to say as everything has gone almost exactly the same since the last time i wrote.same suff with graham same demeaning activity after school.same asshole uncle and aunt who speak nothing to me whatsoever.oh can you feel the love?i read jesses journal.well....too bad.yuo acted like a complete asshole.and if i had been..you know..would you have still stuck by me?would you have felt this way now?no.so dont go whining and trying to get ppl to feel sorry for you you sorry jackass.you fucked things up.and im not coming back-especially to you.there i said it.i dont care if hes sorry.people who love you are supposed to stand by you and what did he do??he fucking buggered off and wouldnt even talk to me.how do you think that made me feel?like a worthless peice of trash thats what.i have someone who wouldnt do that to me now.too bad so sad jesse.
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cry me a river...
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| when mixed with milk kahlua doesnt even taste alcoholic |
[29 Sep 2002|08:07pm] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
] |
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music |
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wait and bleed-slipknot |
] |
thus begins the story of my weekend.i am a slut.a big slut.do you know how some people deal with their problems by doing drugs or drinking?well i deal with them by having sex and seeing how bad and alone i've been feeling lately you can fucking guess hwta i did,i had sex.with graham.and god damn do i feel better now.picture this:me standing on a football feild yelling like an idiot but freezing my ass off at the same time.our team winning,chase warner announcing party at his house.and me,being graham taubenfelds(the schools star quarterbacks)girlfriend i thought"wow i get to go woo hoo"but graham waslike "no i dont feell like it tonight lets go rent some movies and just chill"what a good idea i thought.so we went and rented blow and american beauty.then graham(through a fake i.d that i didnt even know he HAD but what did i expect,hes a football player)bought kahlua at the liquor store.we mixed it with milk at his house while watching blow.now he was drunk and i wasnt b/c well i'm not really a cheap drunk and he says to me"ya know mercedes out of all the girls in the school yer the prettiest"and i thought"wow that sounds so drunkenly honest"then i was reminded that when i got here that out of everyone HE was the only person in the WHOLE school who was nice to me not even my own uncle was nice to me,he always calls me nd just wants to talk about nothing,nothing at all he just wants to talk.not even my own family my PARENTS have called me and done that.i mean like would it kill them to even call once a month and say"hey m,just checking to see if your still alive"but no they dont.graham is the only person in my life right now who actually cares.so i kissed him.and did other things.and it was great and im not sorry.i even realized that we've been going out for a month now.so yeah my life might even have meaning now.if i choose to love him.which is really hard for me to do..*sigh*
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cry me a river...
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| la de blah blah |
[27 Sep 2002|11:26am] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
] |
bored
sick
staying home from school AGAIN.
im pretty sure my uncle still hates me.
graham is stiil furiously trying to get into my pants.his new favorite line is"ooh baby all i want is to give you pleasure"like i havent heard that one b4.jeez
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cry me a river...
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| yeccccchhh |
[24 Sep 2002|08:57am] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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music |
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none |
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i'm sick today.not just sick like bodily sick.sick of everything in my life and my whole family.my uncle hates me,im sure of it.he never talks to me or when he does he never says anything nice.my stupid boyfriend showed up at my house last night.my uncle got sooo mad at me.but he let him in anyways.graham said he "couldnt stop thinking about me"yeah.right.he only wants a peice of my ass.i hate the fact that i have to act like im something im not here.i have changed so much i hardly even recognize myself.my parents havent even called me since i moved here.shows how much they care.next year when i go away to mtsu,in the states i wont have to deal with them or anyone else anymore.does that make me happy?you fucking bet it does
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1tear| cry me a river...
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| *smiles and sunshine my dears* |
[23 Sep 2002|11:43am] |
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mood |
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loved |
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music |
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none |
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i am bored as hell.can you tell?hey that rhymes.my god i'm a tool.anyways i watched "life as a house "last night.good movie,sad ending.i hate sad endings.so yeah i guess my wonderfil boy toy has kept to himself the details of saturday night.much appreciated.it was nice this morning too when he picked me up so i didnt have to walk.i could have walked,but his car is hot so...well anyways im in computers and im bored as hell.this is like a repeat of my last computer class in gr 11.i guess b.c is a year behind.i could actually pass???no way!!i might actually amount to something isnt that great?i love how i made a million spelling mistakes just now.i love how im not going to correct them.i love me
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1tear| cry me a river...
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| *sigh* |
[22 Sep 2002|05:33pm] |
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mood |
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complacent |
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bored on sunday.doing physics homework.i went out with graham last night.we went to this REALLY fancy restaurant downtown and then we went to go see blue crush.i already saw it in edmonton but ther4e was nothing else there.ok so maybe graham isnt such a bad guy.he was really nice and showed up with flowers for me.the restaurant we went to was REALLY expensive.he only acts all perveted around other ppl.so yeah i fooled around with him.so sue me.it was the first play i've gotten since jesse and that was more than a month and a 1/2 ago.two months actually.its not like i fucked him or anything.that i still have yet to decide upon.i dont know if this is gonna get serious or not.so ill wait.hey,jesse waited 6 months.so yeah i'd really like it to go somewhere but i dont know.its weird.graham isnt my type but im enthralled by his hot body.and its like there are two sides to him,the jocky football player side and the nice,smart guy side.i wish hed lose the football player get up.maybe it'll fade away when football season ends.hes a gentleman too.he held open doors and shit for me.but i cant help feeling paronoid,is this a ploy to get me into bed?maybe?is it working?yes.well kind of,he got play but not laid.i'm so confused by all of this.it was so gross on friday and i had to cheer.my legs were like frozen off.i feel so divided about this cheerleading bullshit,i like it but i hate it.it fucked.and the chicks on the team arent exactly the brightest crayons in the box.but they are nice to me at least.but i dont like the graphic way that they descibe their physical relationships with their bfs.ok well later...
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2tears| cry me a river...
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| grrr |
[20 Sep 2002|09:03am] |
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mood |
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cranky |
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i cant believe that deadjournal is blocked on the school computers.that is so gay.i want to post in there but ohhhhhh no.i hate you school.plus its raining and theres a football game tonight.oh god.i hate my life
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cry me a river...
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| i will not be a cheerleading airhead... |
[19 Sep 2002|10:14pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
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music |
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blurry-puddle of mudd |
] |
yeah so i cheered my first football game last night.i ahve never been so bored in my life.graham was being so cheesy.hes like"the next points for you"omigod..gay.that wont get me into bed any faster.sorry.graham is kinda creepy tho.he was like"i slept so well last night b/c i was dreaming of you"i hav only known him for 3 weeks.all he ever does is tell me how much he wants me.plus i think that football player thing that ryjin said is true.what am i doing???i have sunk so low as to be a fucking bimbo cheerleader.and why?because some guy liked me.b/c i was lonely in a new place.and do you know what??he writes me notes,sex notes.im like scared he'll rape me.not that i cant fight back,but b/c he seems like such a horndog.but i like him!and i think hes hot.and when he isnt being all perverted and im one of them.i must escape.i have to quit.im not like these ppl.their lives revolve around other ppls opinions.i could care less.and im smarter than some dumb blonde yelling go team go at a bunch of idiots in uniform.all of the chicks on th esquad were all like"aww graham is so sweet he like you so much he scored the winning touchdown for you"excuse me?no he didnt he just said that b/c he wants to fuck me and he thinks ill put out because i'm "flattered"oh no.sorry.how dumb are these chicks?if i said"wow this cheer is for you "to some random guy hedbe all like"ew,skank"i want to die.im not like that.it goes against everything i stand for!!intellegance!morals!not being a slut!!*sigh*this sucks.how dependant am i?i live with an uncle and aunt who pretend im not here and dont exist.so can you blame me for being a little needy towards some guy who like me?like for gods sakes he saw me in the hallway on th efirst day of school and the next day he gave me a rose and told me thought i was pretty.jesse NEVER said i was pretty.can you blame me for bing a little needy and girlish?no.but i wish i felt different about all of this.graham seems like a genuinely nice but but..i just dont know.maybe im paranoid b/c of all the jesse shit.i want to cry.i am SUCH a girl..
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1tear| cry me a river...
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| yo yo yo how does it go? |
[17 Sep 2002|11:36am] |
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mood |
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enthralled |
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music |
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none |
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im at school.wheeeeee...la de da i hate computers.it is a boring class.i'm sorry to renee who i talked to on msn last night.my uncle unplugged my internet befor i could say goodbye.although her offer of moving in w/her was quite temping i must say.my life...sucks.i am a stupid cheerleader.my life involves jumping up in the air yelling"go team go!!"my god look at what i have become.i have become my gratest loathing of all.all becaus e some totally georgous guy said"you would look cute,we'd get to spend time together."oh yes.however i think that is all her thinks of me.as cute.it feels like he only wants a peice of my ass.all her ever says is shit like"your so sexy"and "i want you" normally id tell a guy to got to hell for that but oh my god he is soooooo hot.hotter than stupid jesse,hotter than rich,hotter than GOD.that s.o.b. it just isnt fair.i came out of a bad relationship and now i've been sucked in by the hotness of him.damn him.DAMN HIM.i want him *sigh* i'm a hopeless case.im a dumb cheerleader.i am so obsessed.i am happy!!happy happy happy!!la de da..
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1tear| cry me a river...
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cheer_bear's journal